What is the biggest pain in relationship?

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging.”
~ Brene Brown, author of Daring Greatly.

When I recently asked, “What do you think the biggest cause of pain in relationship is?’  to 10 women who are learning new ways of being in relationship, I heard:

Communication?   NO
Money?   NO
Sex?   NO
Parenting?   NO

Often hidden, the answer is probably Not what you think it might be.

A sense of unworthiness is at the root of most all problems we bring to our relationships.

Given that unworthiness is often hidden in our unconscious, most people don’t recognize the underlying voices that arise from unworthiness and they don’t see how it affects their relationships.

I’m not good enough.
Something is wrong with me.
I need to be ______to be loved.
I need to do ______to feel worthy of connection.
I must ___________to be chosen and cherished.
What is wrong with me?

These silent chants fuel our protection patterns and keep us from getting too close or being seen too deeply by others. These hidden voices block us from some of our most basic needs – belonging and connection.

With unworthiness, we guard our heart, we block ourselves off from feeling connected to others and to life, we cut off the source of love within us and our happiness suffers.

On the field of unworthiness, we play on a team fueled by fear and run by the big judge. The team cheer is ‘something is wrong with you’. This team has rigid and perfectionistic rules and faulty beliefs about what it means to be acceptable. As long as we play on this team, we continue to create disconnection within ourselves and in our relationships. The wounds from the past that cause us to guard our heart and split off from feeling worthy of love prevail.

To shift from from unworthiness to valuing yourself as worthy of love and connection requires a shift, yet not necessarily an easy one. This shift requires you to move your center of gravity from head to heart. You shift from evaluating yourself and everyone else to valuing the whole of you. Yes, all of you— those characteristics you may have held as unlovable and unacceptable. The shift happens when you make the commitment to:

VALUE YOU,  rather than evaluate YOU!

If you were really listened to, cared for lovingly and seen deeply as a child – you most likely carry a strong sense of worthiness, you know you count. If you were given the message that you deserve love – most likely you open yourself to  intimacy, you love and receive love easily. From a strong sense of worthiness you make loving choices that uplift your life. You feel connected inside and outside.

While worthiness allows you to be open, vulnerable and honest, unworthiness employs hiding, defense and control as primary modes of operation—those ways that don’t enhance loving relationships. Fear, rather than vulnerability, keeps you guarding your heart and disconnected from true intimacy with yourself and others.

When you choose to truly accept your worthiness – your birthright—you value YOU. You count in your world and you seek out people and activities that validate your inner experience.

Is your inherent worthiness apparent to you?
Do you feel worthy of loving and being loved?
Are you willing to let others see and know you deeply?

No matter whether your choices are fueled by worthiness or not, here are some extra tools to help you Raise Your State to Worthy!

Tools to help you Value YOU:

  • Commit to put your judge to rest and choose total self-acceptance as your ground.
  • Honor your wholeness-your gifts, strengths, weaknesses and challenges.
  • Create healthy boundaries around what you will and won’t tolerate.
  • Be gentle, compassionate and kind to yourself and everyone around you.
  • Manage your energy wisely, not allowing stress to pressurize your relationships.
  • Open yourself and be willing to let others in to see and know your deepest desires and fears.

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