~ Buckminster Fuller
I remember the day I discovered I had the true power of choice. The reason I remember it so clearly is that it made me giggle inside. I was trying hard to keep my giggles under wraps, while at the same time trying to make a point of being right. If you’ve ever tried not to laugh when you want to be taken seriously, you know the challenge.
On this day, I was feeling like a victim of my circumstances; I was ‘right’, feeling sorry for myself and blaming my ex for torturing me. Well, not real torture, but it sure felt like it. And, at the same time, I was watching my victim-stance in full action, and I found it humorous.
At this point in my quest for freedom from my unruly mind, I’d been actively gaining awareness. I’d been learning to watch my thoughts and behavior from a place of witness—watching the program that wasn’t me. As a budding stalker of my programming, I was watching and questioning my bumps; the places I’d resist, react and attempt to control situations and people that were not mine to control. Stalking my fear was the task that my teacher had given me. Stalking my Victim-Stance was top priority. My victim was a stealthy robber of my energy and would tap the energy field of anyone around her as well.
That day was a holy day. I watched my devoted and well-practiced victim in action. I witnessed her attempting to gain control of the situation by evoking sympathy (poor me) and avoiding clear communication or taking responsibility. As I watched her in action, a little part of me was laughing at myself, laughing at the racket I had developed. I suddenly had full awareness of her operation. I could no longer identify with her. She was very funny to me, in a sort of twisted way.
I made the decision to send my victim down in flames that day. Once and for all, I was ready to evict her from her habitual operation. My consistent stalking had paid off. My giggles won out and I took her power. I got off feeling sorry for myself, stopped blaming and took responsibility for putting myself in this circumstance. This was a huge turning point in my life. Recognizing I had enough self-love to retire her from her job of keeping my fear at bay, I made the decision to step up, grow up, and truly take responsibility for my life.
So Let’s Talk about Victim-Stance
Have you ever considered yourself to be a victim of life’s circumstances, a victim of others or more importantly a victim of your own mind? If so, you are not alone. While most of us don’t like to admit it, we all feel a little tortured by life at times. We have moments of feeling frustrated, sorry for ourselves and angry with others for interfering with our happiness.
If you are like me, I imagine you have called a bank, an internet company or a store and had to deal with a system that appears designed for frustration. Or, perhaps you have dealt with a friend or family member who appears to be out to complicate your life with their over-bearing agenda.
The question I ask you is: How do you handle your frustration with a situation or person when you have no power to change it? Does frustration and powerlessness create a momentary annoyance or does it run deeper than that? If you can let go of momentary frustration or disappointment and get on with your day, that is great. However, if it has become your chronic response to life, then you are caught up in victim-stance.
Frustration and powerlessness run through all of us at times. However, if it becomes a chronic response to life we set up a victim-stance that drains our life force. We may even create an identity of being a victim of life and this infects our life and our relationships.
When victim-stance becomes ones identity, self-pity and blame take over. Drama and a ‘woe is me’ story become both a coping mechanism and a communication style. Victims see villains in their world and the unfairness of life and ensuing unhappiness becomes a primary focus. Few people want to hang with chronic victims. Not only are they exhausting, their plea for help is met with reasons your love or sound advice won’t work.
If you experience regular bouts of self-pity and blame, victim-stance is most likely a part of your operating system. Recognize the energy and happiness it costs you, and realize you do have choice. With willingness, courage to face your fears, and tools to take responsibility for your life, you can evict this victim from your program.
GIVE UP THESE TENDENCIES
Your Pictures: Give up your pictures of how people need to be for you to be happy. Respect people as they are, honor their choices and their uniqueness.
Blame: No one causes you to feel anything. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.
Reliving the Past: The past is over. There is only now. From this day forward, you have the choice to see yourself as an artist of your life. Pick up your paintbrush and create it anew.
Justifications: Call a spade a spade! “I am late…I didn’t keep my word…I wasn’t kind.” Excuses are part of the victim culture. Tell the simple truth and see yourself more clearly.
Drama: Stop telling your ‘woe is me’ story over and over again to get people involved with you. Turn around and face your true feeling- face your fear. Take responsibility for the things you need to change in your life.
Make a Pact with your Personal Power and Take On this Mantra:
“I am responsible for my reality.”
This pact doesn’t mean you have the ability to control life. Life is what it is and people are what they are. Being responsible simply means being able to respond to your life with the best of you. You become a master at choosing your thoughts, attitudes and actions.
To Raise Your State, master this way of dreaming your life and you will transform unhappy or unhealthy relationships. Leave the victim behind and reach for the choices that offer you true happiness and contentment.