Get Your Roar On
“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” – Anthony Robbins
Goldilocks was a true heroine of the 1800’s, and one of my heroines today. If you recollect the fairytale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, you’ll remember that Goldilocks is quite discerning. She won’t eat porridge that is too hot or too cold. She won’t sleep in a bed that is too hard or too soft. Through clear choices, this girl chooses the ‘just right’ zone every time.
When it comes to communication, we could all learn from Goldilocks’ ‘just right’ operation. If she were teaching us the art of communication, she would teach us to be impeccable with our words and responsible for our emotions. She’d show us how being too passive or too aggressive doesn’t work. And, I suspect she’d be teaching us how to deal with frustrations and anger in the ‘just right’ zone. She would teach us to Get Our Roar On!
I see couples everyday who love each other and are committed in relationship, yet they struggle with how to communicate clearly and effectively. Overtime, an inability to communicate our innermost feelings, frustrations and needs creates chronic discontent.
Communication is an art and a necessary component to all relationships. Depending on how we’ve learned to communicate, we either create space for truth, vulnerability and connection, or we create separation through our habitual reactions, projections and defenses. Relationships simply don’t flourish without respectful intimate communication.
Three common and misdirected communication styles take us out of the ‘just right’ zone. One takes the silent route of Passivity, one spouts off in flaring Aggression and the third sneaky attack comes from Passive-Aggressive tendencies. None of these communication styles work to create harmony. Each takes us out of our integrity with ourselves and disconnects us from others. All three ways stem from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. They damage relationships.
AGGRESSION: Aggressive communication is intimidating and interrogating. By its very nature it keeps vulnerability at bay and creates distance. Fueled with destructive and antagonistic tendencies, this force attempts to control people and situations. Attacking and harmful behavior carries with it a strong ‘need to be right’. It is a poison that affects everyone touched by it, to include the one who delivers it.
PASSIVITY: This fear-based reaction is inactive, unreceptive and submissive. Over-time we often submit to others who make decisions for us that are not aligned with our heart. They may coerce us to live in their world. This submission leads to powerlessness and hopelessness. Through chronic passivity we take on a victim identity. Resentment and martyrdom become a way of life.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: This subtle response to life is often disguised. And it fact, most of us have a tinge of this behavior. It’s indirect expression of hostility shows up through procrastination, hostile jokes, sarcasm, chronic tardiness and resentment…to name a few. In its most basic form passive-aggressive behavior carries a chronic negative attitude and passive resistance. People with these tendencies often find pleasure in frustrating others.
None of these ways work if you truly want to show up fully with yourself and in relationships. They work if fear of relationship intimacy is a top priority–keeping yourself safe and all. They are a great way to lower your state.
If you choose to Raise Your State and Raise the State of Your Relationships, start by creating an intimate relationship with you; a healthy self-respect. Learn to communicate with assertion.
ASSERTION is a clear, connecting way to communicate what is true for you. This includes your ‘yes’s and your ‘no’s, and your feelings; to include frustration and anger. When you communicate from your inner truth, you fortify your true ground of being–your integrity. Your heart, mind, word and action are in alignment and this strengthens your core. Through assertive communication you gain personal power and inner peace.
LEARN TO ROAR
1. Allow yourself to feel all emotion, to include frustration and anger. Emotions are just energy in motion. Remove judgment or story around them. Freely moving emotion gives you an expression of your being that is uplifting and enlivening.
2. Show Up. Make time to communicate what is on your mind and in your heart.
3. Express what works and what isn’t working for you. Stay on your side of the fence—no blame. Stay with “I” sentences.
4. Listen and Validate the other persons feelings. They have their own experience and point of view. Be willing to hear them and to ask questions rather than make assumptions.
5. Make a clear request. Be bold and ask for what you want.
6. Love. Let go of the outcome and The Need to be Right. Let the love that arises from assertive communication orchestrate deeper connection.
With time and practice your roar becomes a purr. Communicating your frustration or anger begins to feel easier. In fact, it doesn’t have to be angst-ridden at all, instead you can feel the warmth and clarity it creates.
This week get your Inner Roar On and experience how connected you feel inside.
And if you need a little help from Katy Perry listen to her Roar! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8