Maybe you have heard the saying ‘what goes up…must come down’.
The opposite is true as well.
What we push down – true feelings, honest expression, needs and wants…will bring up our words and actions in convoluted and destructive ways.
If you, or someone you are in relationship with, has a difficult time being honest with feelings, needs and wants; it may be that these withholds are adding a drag of resistance to your relationship.
A woman recently confided to me that she had a ‘major rage attack’ directed toward her husband of 25 years. As we sorted out where all this fire came from, she admitted that for years she had been putting up with and picking up the slack for her husband who was financially irresponsible. Yes…For Years!
She consistently rationalized her frustration away and carried the stress load from over-working to keep up with the expenses. Her fear of speaking clearly and creating agreements that work for her too, she lived with a chronic, silent resentment. Her body and energy paid the price. His unwillingness to step up and take responsibility for the finances was putting gas on smoldering fire. That is…until the fire came up in a fury.
A man I worked with last year came to me feeling ashamed and confused as to why he loved and respected his wife and cherished their relationship, but found himself in the midst of an emotional affair with a colleague. As we explored what was really going on inside of him, he got in touch with how he withholds communication from his wife out of fear. When he could see what he was doing to block intimacy in his marriage, he ventured in to more honest and clear communication with his wife-moving through the fear of this intimacy with each vulnerable communication. He soon stopped connecting with his colleague and returned fully committed to his wife.
There are many reasons why we rationalize, avoid and squash down true feelings. Yet, the longer we avoid our needs, our truth and our feelings, the more damage we do to ourselves and our relationships. We create disconnection and dysfunction. What arises is a myriad of ways we lower our state.
We rage or depress, we mope or martyr. We avoid each other, our sex life shuts down, or sometimes we have an affair that offers a bandaid effect. We bicker or criticize. We get sick or become addicted. Or, sometimes we come to a final straw – Enough is Enough – and we just walk.
Fear is at the base of our lack of impeccability with our words or actions. Most of it is learned and modeled early on in life. We fear our relationship or family break up, we fear not knowing how to deal with confrontation, we fear change, we fear hurting others with our truth, and we fear of not knowing how to take real responsibility for our reality…And, the list goes on!
When we live in this chronic fear pattern, we eventually spout off sideways. Passivity becomes Passive-Aggressive, or full on Aggression.
All three of these styles of communication create separation and discord in relationships. They take us out of our integrity with ourselves and disconnect us from others. They ultimately take our relationships into disconnection.
PASSIVITY: This fear-based reaction is inactive, unreceptive and submissive. Through passivity we often submit to others who make decisions for us or coerce us to live in their world. This submission leads to powerlessness and hopelessness. Through chronic passivity we take on a victim identity and we let our relationships down.
AGGRESSION: Aggressive communication is intimidating and interrogating. By its very nature it creates distance in order to keep deeper vulnerability at bay. Fueled with destructive and antagonistic tendencies, this force attempts to control people and situations. Attacking and harmful behavior carries with it a strong ‘need to be right’. It is a poison that affects everyone touched by it, to include the one who delivers it.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: This subtle response to life is often disguised. Its indirect expression of hostility shows up through procrastination, hostile jokes, sarcasm, chronic tardiness and resentment…to name a few. Passive-aggressive behavior carries a chronic negative attitude and passive resistance. People with these tendencies often find pleasure in frustrating and getting back at others.
None of these ways work to create intimacy, passion or peace in your relationship. If you choose to Raise Your State out of any of these patterns, learning to assert yourself with honesty works.
ASSERTION is a clear, connecting way to communicate what is true for you: to include your experience, thoughts, feelings, desires and needs. It is an emotionally-neutral stance and is an expression of that heart-truth within you. When you communicate from your truth, you fortify your true ground of being–your integrity. This is the core within where your heart, mind, word and action are aligned. Through assertive communication you gain personal power. And, your relationships gain connection and greater peace.
If you are up for refining your communication and creating more intimacy in your relationship, here are some helpful tools to get you started.
1. SHOW UP WITH INTENTION ~ PRESENCE: Make space for relating fully by finding the right time when your energy is strong and you are clear. Hold the intention for the highest good for all.
2. STATE WHAT YOU SEE, FEEL, NEED AND WANT: Stay on your side of the fence with “I” statements. “I experience, I see, I feel, I need and I want.” The minute you insert judgment or make an assumption about the other person may be doing or thinking, you’ve lost your power and most likely you’ve lost them too.
3. LISTEN & VALIDATE: This is the highest form of love you can offer into a relationship. It creates a receptive space for everyone’s energy to be held. You may not agree with or like what the other person has to say, yet validating that you hear them creates an opening. Be willing to listen to their experience and point of view, without voting on it.
4. LET GO OF THE OUTCOME: Allow the Love that arises from clear assertive communication to orchestrate the outcome. Let go of your ‘need to be right’ and give up your ‘need to be perfect’. When you speak from your reality, there is nothing to defend. You can’t know what clear communication will create. All you can do is Let Go and Commit to Trusting the healing that arises from Assertive Communication.
Today, I have a GIFT, a special report for you.
Recent research now tells us that mental IQ is no longer the barometer for a successful life. It is actually Emotional IQ, or EQ, that is shown to be crucial for better health, success and rewarding relationships.
Emotional Intelligence brings a more relaxed and vibrant body, an inquisitive mind, a desire to share our gifts and talents with the world around us.
In this special report you’ll discover how to Shore Up your EQ. You can download the report HERE.
Until Next Time
Let’s All Give Rise To Love