“Being kind is much more valuable than being right, for sometimes all a person needs is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens.” ~ Unknown
Often, I work with couples where each person is genuinely interested in taking responsibility for their participation in creating discord or disconnection in relationships. They own their stuff! They recognize the value in growing and moving through their personal blocks to creating intimate connection.
On occasion, couples don’t recognize how they contribute to the distance and discord they struggle with. Instead, they create a position about their partner who they see needs fixing. “he/she is the cause of all our problems and my unhappiness. If only, he/she would get it right, we would be fine.”
When I work with couples, I look at relationship as a system with system problems. It’s important to look at the whole of the system and how the different pieces function together. I ask myself, what is creating connection and what is causing disconnection?
One of the biggest blocks in a relationship system is when one or both partners have a strong need to be ‘right’.
Right is an illusory image of perfection – a fiction of the mind. Our personal ideas about right and wrong are based on arbitrary beliefs.
No matter how fabulous our family or our community is, or has been, our very desire for connection brings out one of our biggest fears:
‘Needing to do it right’ and ‘be right’ to be accepted. And to avoid being abandoned.
If you are having difficulty in any relationship, use these statements to recognize if a ‘need to be right’ is causing disconnection and unhappiness:
In my belief system…
I’m not right unless……..
my partner or friend isn’t right when……..
my relationship isn’t right when…….
(These beliefs are your image of perfection)
Now…Imagine you could question each of those beliefs, put them in a basket for reconsideration at a later date, choose your partner, you and your life just as it is right now. Totally choose it – all of it. Yes, all of it!
What this new stance of full acceptance will do is open you and your energy field to the expansive relaxation and space inside of you that love opens up. Acceptance is Love ~ and love transforms everything it touches.
If you patiently stay with it, that love will open your mind and heart to a broader perspective. Your heart automatically focuses on what is working rather than keep feeling into what isn’t working (according to your ‘right’ story of course). Love is what undoes the kinks in you and your relationship and turns it into new ways of being and relating.
The task of learning to let go into greater loving is not necessarily an easy one, yet it brings you incredibly rich rewards. I’m here to say ‘yes’ to that one!
In reality, life and our relationships are always changing, unpredictable and uncontrollable. When you stop trying to control life through holding on to your pictures of what makes people and situations ‘right’, acceptance opens you!
Acceptance drops your resistance – think fear and contraction – and you then have an ability to meet every one and every situation with greater freedom, more of you. You’ll stop attempting to control the outside to feel safe. You’ll discover that spacious You that has ability to meet all your moments with openness and choice. This is a huge gift to you and your relationships. This is the way of love without control.
There is magic and medicine here my friends.
Until next time…let go into raising your state.